大愚

梅雨のさなか、雨が降っているのにウグイスのさえずりが聞こえる。雨音でかすれているような気がするものの、若々しい気品のある鳴き声である。私は若い時からずっと愚かだと思ってきたが、どうやらそうではなかったらしい。

青年時代から長年取り組んできたことがある。古代の音韻を復元するというやつだ。当時は大それた考えや野望があったわけではなく、生きている間にちょっとしたことを分かりたいと願っていただけだった。

だが近づけば離れ、又近づけば離れることを繰り返せば、どんな愚か者でも所詮届かぬ蜃気楼だったことぐらい分かる。ある程度区切りをつけると少しは達成感があったけれども、実際には殆んど前進していない。毎回、進んだと錯覚しているに過ぎないと痛切に分かってしまう。

それでも何らかの成果が欲しい。あれやこれや理屈をこねて自分がやっていることに意味があるように思いたい。これが燃料になってきたような気がする。

だが実際には目標がぼんやりしているので、いくら組み立てても砂の楼閣みたいにしかならない。こんなことを飽きもせず何十年もやってきた。これは自分の能力を過信していた事と、ゴールが遠すぎたという二重の意味で愚かであった。これでは愚かと言う言葉では尽くせないので、大愚という言葉がぴったりする。

ちかごろ、燃えるような熱意が消えてしまった気がする。近い目標を立て、これに全力で邁進すれば幾らか成果がでるだろうし、これを繰り返せば難問を解く糸口ぐらいはつかめるだろうという戦術では間に合わなかった。

よくよく考えてみると、何らかの成果が出せるという根拠の薄い自信があった。だが、生きている間に何とか形にできるというのがただの夢だと分かってしまったので元気が段々失せてきたのだろう。

どうしよう。残された命の有る限り、このまま今のやり方を続けるか。所詮死ぬまで続けたところで中途半端のままだろう。今更師を求めるのも相手に迷惑だろうし、同好の士をつのるのも難しい気がする。

どう立て直すか。元気がなくなったのは生きている間に何らかの成果を出したいという欲が強くなったからだと思われる。欲を抑えるしかなかろう。起死回生の策はない。

『莊子』に「大惑者　終身不解　大愚者　終身不靈」（外篇　天地篇第十二・１４）という文がある。釋文によると「靈　曉也」となっているので、「大いに惑う者は一生解けないし、大いに愚かな者は死ぬまで通暁することはない」あたり。

これは私の一生を簡潔に表している。ウグイスのような溌溂とした気高さは望めないとしても、歎くのはやめ、大愚のまま中途半端を続けたい。 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　髭じいさん

Great fool

In the middle of the rainy season, I can hear the song of the Japanese bush warbler even though it is raining. Although it seems to be hoarse from the sound of the rain, it is still a youthful and elegant song. I have always thought that I was foolish since I was young, but it seems that I was not.

There is something I have been working on for many years since my youth: restoring ancient phonology. At the time, I didn’t have any grand ideas or ambitions, I just hoped to understand something small while I was still alive.

But if you get closer and then move away, and then get closer and then move away again, even a fool can see that it was just a mirage that was beyond my reach. When I reached a certain point, I felt a sense of accomplishment, but in reality, I had hardly made any progress. Every time, I painfully realized that I was only deluding myself into thinking that I had made progress.

But I still want some kind of result. I want to think that what I’m doing has meaning, by coming up with various theories. I feel like this has become my fuel.

But, the goal is so vague that no matter how much I build it, it ends up being nothing more than a castle made of sand. I’ve been doing this for decades without getting tired of it. This was foolish in two senses: I was overconfident in my abilities, and the goal was too far away. Foolishness doesn’t quite sum it up, so the word “extremely foolish” is more appropriate.

I feel like my burning enthusiasm has faded recently. I thought that if I set a short-term goal and work hard at it, I would see some results, and if I kept doing that, I would find a clue to solving a difficult problem. But my tactic of doing so was no longer enough.

Thinking about it carefully, I had a weak confidence that I could achieve some results. However, I guess I gradually lost my enthusiasm when I realized that it was just a dream to somehow achieve it while I was still alive.

What should I do? Should I continue this way as long as I have life left? Even if I continue until I die, it will probably only be half-hearted. It would be a nuisance to others if I were to seek a teacher at this point, and I feel it would be difficult to find like-minded persons.

How can I recover? I think the reason I’m losing my energy is because I have a strong desire to achieve some results while I’m still alive. I have no choice but to suppress my desire. There is no surefire way to revive me.

In the Zhuangzi, there is a passage that reads, “The great perplexed will never understand for the rest of their lives, and the great fool will never understand until they die.” According to the Interpretaion, it is written as “Spirit is dawning,” so it means something like, “The great perplexed will never solve difficult problems for the rest of their lives, and the great fool will never be well acquainted until they die.”

This is a concise description of my life. Even if I can’t hope to achieve the lively nobility of a Japanese bush warbler, I want to stop lamenting and continue to live half-heartedly as a great fool.

Higejiisan